Saturday, March 20, 2010

That's super, High School Foe!

Well, well. Fancy meeting you here, High School Foe. I suppose congratulations are in order. As I was Googling your name the other day, I noticed that your first novel got picked up by a major publisher. How wonderful. I was delighted to see that the effortless success you have known since your teens is still with you.

What's that? You've a second book deal in the hopper? Well now this is something truly special. You are clearly a man of immeasurable talent. Despite the fact that you have taken to wearing amulet necklaces and mock turtlenecks, I count myself lucky to know you.

Really? You've a million dollar advance burning a hole in your pocket? Bravo, good sir! I am delirious with glee to learn that the horseshoe that has been firmly affixed up your rear since grade nine is still lodged securely in place. I'm only vaguely hoping that the incontinence this charm causes is irritating to your urethra and perhaps puts a significant hamper on your already miserable sex life with your very, very fat wife.

I'm sure, High School Foe, that you have earned every ounce of acclaim that is coming your way. A lifetime of telling stories for gobs of money is sure to be your reward for what must have been a life well lived and only briefly punctuated by small errors in your otherwise Ghandi-like judgment. Like when you refused to acknowledge my existence at our graduation formal. And that time you pretended to like me and then banned me from your parents' finished basement.

I'm positive, High School Foe, that you've grown up and matured as much as I have in the twelve years since we left our hometown. You've moved on from me, just as I've moved on from someone else who isn't you and who I can't remember.

But I see now that I must let go of you, High School Foe. I must put my admiration and esteem for you to the side and say adieu. I have to or I fear this dragon of happiness that sits on my shoulder will swallow me whole. So happy for you. So very, very hap...

Kill, dragon! Kill!!

(Nuhm nuhm nuhm nuhm)

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