Monday, March 29, 2010

Zero-AutoSum Game

Since I still can't squeeze any comments out of editors (my amazing friends aside) or agents (agents don't have friends), I decided to ask Microsoft Word for some feedback by way of its AutoSummarize tool. Personally, I can't think of a better way to get advice about my book than by asking some pirated software to describe it back to me in 500 words or less. No, you're crazy.

It was from Mike.

“Yeah right. Mike Burmanthorpe, the Jehovah’s Witness,” I laughed. Jehovah’s Witnesses are good people. “Uh, Mike?” Right?”

Mike slowly pulled me onto the bed.

I thought.

That Samantha woman?

Mike smiled at me. “Are you okay, Avery?” asked Mike.

“I’m Avery.”

I’m Sarah. Sarah was depressingly beautiful. “I’m here with Mike.”

“Brother Michael?” responded Sarah in surprise. “Samantha, how are you?” asked Mike.

Mike asked in a whisper. “Sarah and Craig? Mike was actually nodding. “What the frack, Mike?”

“Sit down, Mike.

“Alright,” Steve relented.

- Mike

Mike was just too fast. “Avery? - Mike.

“Avery, it’s Sarah and Samantha from Kingdom Hall! Wouldn’t Mike be proud, I thought sarcastically. Mike, I thought. Right.

“Right, right.”

Neither Samantha or Sarah laughed.

Sarah looked offended. “Avery?” “It’s alright,” said Sarah, grabbing my hand. Love? “Avery?” Mike called. “What’s funny?” asked Sarah.


“Avery, please.”

Apparently neither did Mike. Steve yelled. Mike hated to fly. “Achilles!” yelled Steve. Mike and I never fought. Mike wanted to sometimes. Steve laughed nervously.

Mike returned to the bedroom. Mike jumped into bed.

“It’s Samantha and Sarah.”

“It was,” said Sarah. “Please, Avery. Aren’t you Sarah?”

Sarah challenged. “Thank you, Avery. “Sarah?”

“Yes, Avery. “Let’s go, Sarah.”

Hey Calvin:

- Avery


“Uh yeah, Calvin’s here. Calvin! Calvin grinned.

“Who’s Steve?”

Who is Steve, I thought.

Run. “Hi Sarah,” I said. Sarah looked paranoid. Sarah looked insistent. “Please, Avery.”

“Sarah, you got some…”

Sarah laughed.

Sarah asked. Sarah took another breath. “Avery,” Mike stuttered, his voice calmer now. Mike’s eyes went cold. Mike shook his head with disgust. “Avery, I’ve changed,” said Mike, turning away from me.

It was Mike’s pillow. “Hi Mike. I’m Avery. “Avery!” exclaimed Marnie.

Ah, Mike. Avery:

Right. “It’s Sarah.”

“Sarah? Like Jehovah’s Witness Sarah?”

“Sarah, what happened? “Sarah! Sarah’s face changed into something angry.

Right? “Avery!”

“No, Steve. “Jesus, Steve.

Was Steve right? Calvin? Right? I agreed with Sarah.

“Listen,” pleaded Sarah.

“Well? “Huh,” said Sarah again. Sarah yelled. “Sarah, he hit you. “Right.

“Oh, Avery.

Sarah grabbed a cookie.

Lisa’s life. “Of course,” Sarah admitted. My name is Avery.”

“Uh, hi Avery,” replied Sarah, hesitant but playing along. “Super,” said Sarah. “I remember,” laughed Sarah.

“Sarah, Sarah. “Uh, Calvin?” Those eyes.

“Yep,” replied Calvin.

“Sarah is pretty,” said Calvin. Mike. Calvin. Mike. Mike. Mike. Calvin. Mike.

“Sounds deep,” said Sarah. “Okay,” Sarah conceded. Was Sarah right? Were Steve, Calvin and even Mike right too?

“Avery!” Sarah called from the living room.

“You’re not Sarah.”


“No, Avery. Calvin asked.

“Calvin, right?”


“Bye, Calvin.”

Sarah yelled. Calvin! It’s Calvin!!”

Calvin? Those eyes. “Calvin is depressed, Avery. “Oh Avery.”

“Let’s go home, Avery.”

I guess this stuff isn't that interesting to anyone who isn't me, but it's still pretty interesting. My favourite thing:

Mike returned to the bedroom. Mike jumped into bed.

“It’s Samantha and Sarah.”

Makes it sound like a filthy threesome scene. Oh Word, you're such a dirty #$%&@. And you may be on to something...

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