Sunday, April 4, 2010

Hot Tub Writing Machine

Hot Tub Time Machine. I saw it last night. And I can't believe I'm writing this out loud, but it made me think. It made me think about the "rules" of hot tubbing and how they are analogous to the "rules" that apply to writing and publishing a first novel. And then I ate lots of sugar and decided to write them all down. I'm so sorry about this.

Hot Tub Rule #1: It is best, and usually more fun, to have someone in the hot tub with you. If you are in the spa alone, make sure someone responsible in the household is aware that you are in the tub and how long you have been in.

Book Writing Rule #1: It is best, but usually no fun at all, to have someone read your manuscript once you’re done writing it. If you insist on editing your first draft alone, make sure someone responsible in your life is aware that you’re a p^$$% and makes fun of you on a daily basis.

Hot Tub Rule #2: Do not use the hot tub if you have a medical condition without discussing it with your doctor first. While studies have shown a hot tub can be very beneficial, your doctor may advise you about specific temperature settings, how long it is safe to stay in, and any warning signs that you may be in trouble.

Book Writing Rule # 2: Do not try to write a novel if you have a medical condition, unless that medical condition leaves you trapped in the house with nothing better to do and you have been prescribed very powerful painkillers. Studies have shown that narcotics can be very beneficial when writing and trying to publish your first book so I advise you to take them.

Hot Tub Rule #3: No alcohol or drugs. Your judgment might be impaired, and you could become unconscious and drown.

Book Writing Rule #3: Bull$#!%. See above.

Hot Tub Rule #4: Be aware of the amount of time you have been in the tub. Soaking in the warm water can raise your body temperature to dangerous levels. 15 minutes in water no warmer than 104 degrees Fahrenheit is considered safe. If you want to use your spa for a longer time, take a break.

Book Writing Rule #4: Be aware of the amount of time you have been searching for a literary agent. Querying for too long can lower your self-esteem to dangerous levels. 50 attempts in less than 1 year is considered depressing but safe. If you want to query more than that, you are a big dumb idiot.

Hot Tub Rule #5: No glass containers for food or drink in or around the hot tub.

Book Writing Rule # 5: Glass containers for food or drink are encouraged around the laptop because no one will want to eat with you anymore, you sad mother$%^&er.

Hot Tub Rule #6: Be sure to check the temperature of the water before you enter the spa. A floating thermometer is very useful. If you want the water warm, keep the temperature between 100-104 degrees.

Book Writing Rule #6: Be sure to check the temperature of your laptop before you place it on your lap. A lap thermometer is very useful. If you want the laptop warm because you can’t afford to pay your heating bill because no one will buy your novel and you quit your job because you had an inflated ego and thought you could actually write even though you used the word “because” three times in the same sentence, well then, go right ahead you poor bastard.

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