Thursday, July 1, 2010

Bloodletting and miraculous abs

So I went to see the latest Twilight movie last night and had a great time. But before we got into the theatre and grabbed our seats next to a bunch of overweight, 45-year-old Twihards, my friends and I were approached by two irritating people (a.k.a "marketing executives"). Standing next to the Twilight step & repeat, they were doling out the newest line of tampons, pads and liners from Kotex. Eww.

As gross as it was for the Kotex people to recognize the limitless co-branding possibilities between their blood-related products and Summit Entertainment's blood-related products, the actual pads were the worst part. The packaging of this new "savvy, urban girl-power" menstruation marketing strategy is done in Las Vegas-style, impossible-to-miss neon. Bright pink, fluorescent purple and electric blue pads and tampons? Right. Because that's exactly the kind of thing I want spilling out of my purse on the subway.

Anyways, tampon tragedy aside, the literary horror / delicious cinematic lobotomy that is Twilight inspired me to try writing a new pitch to a new TV agent. And by incredible coincidence, the agent's last name is almost "Meyers" -- the author who brought all of us over-30s a little closer to large-scale pedophilia arrests. I took this as a sign. Here's the fated letter:

Hello Ms. Myers,

I'm a Russian spy moonlighting as a 29-year-old professional writer in Toronto (Wired, The Toronto Star, Inside Entertainment...) and I have a very funny spec (an episode of NBC's Community) that I'd love to send your way. An evil ivy scam, an Eastern Bloc prostitute, career assessment day, Mouldy and Scully... I know I've put together something original, smart and hilarious that NBC will eat up.

I've also just finished writing a pilot. The show is a drama with a dark comic edge called Happy Armageddon. It follows the life of Avery -- a conflicted 24-year-old dealing with the fallout of her boyfriend's decision to become a Jehovah's Witness. If I had to compare it to something I'd say a Weeds/Big Love combo would be close. My pilot has even been compared to Истории в деталях. But now I'm just bragging.

If you're interested, I'd love to send my spec or pilot (or both) your way. Or give me a call. I'm (mostly) confident that my phones aren't tapped.

Thanks very much for your time and consideration.

Do svidaniya!

Id

P.S. I'm not really a Russian spy, by the way. But wouldn't that be the coolest?

And in case you're wondering, Readers, yes of course I took the free Kotex. What do you think I am? Employable?

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