Monday, December 20, 2010

Holiday Alternatives

It's the holidays and I couldn't be happier about it! No, really. I mean it. My charred, scarred and rejected exterior aside, I get all gooey in December because of all of the incredible (inedible) Christmas consumables! Here are my Best of the Best:

Holiday Books
The Hockey Sweater (Roch Carrier, 1979)
If you haven't read it, get the hell out of my country!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (Dr. Seuss, 1966)
Like, duh.

A Christmas Carol (Charles Dickens, 1843)
The most classic book of all time, Christmas or otherwise.

The Polar Express (Chris Van Allsburg, 1985)
I love trains and I love Christmas. So, I mean, you know, yeah.

Holiday Movies
A Christmas Story (Bob Clarke, 1983)
If it was socially acceptable to bring home a leg lamp instead of a Christmas tree, believe me, I would.

Scrooged (Richard Donner, 1988)
Bill Murray. Enough said.

White Christmas (Michael Curtiz, 1954)
You know that "Doing Choreography" dance number that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas but has those flying impossibly skinny legs on her and those sky-high waisted pants on him? Yeah, that scene is the best.

It's a Wonderful Life (Frank Capra, 1946)
I watched it last night while stuffing my face full of Christmas chocolate cake. Jimmy Stewart was, like, the most handsome-est 45-year-old high school student ever.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (Brian Henson, 1992)
Gonzo stole every scene... and my heart.

Now, because I'm also the kind of person who tends to gravitate towards the most depressing books/movies around the happiest time of year, here is my Bizarro Best of the Best:

Bizarro Holiday Books
Mao's Great Famine (Frank Dikotter, 2010)
This book explains why millions of people died of starvation in China between 1958-1962. I read three chapters of this book the other day while baking a Christmas cake... with rice flour. I felt guilty, but then I licked the bowl and felt better.

The Christmas Sweater (Glenn Beck, 2008)
Based on the harrowing true story of a young Glenn Beck who gets a "stupid, handmade, ugly sweater" for Christmas and learns a valuable lesson along the way. I haven't read it yet, but you know I will. I imagine that I'll throw up soon after.

Bizarro Holiday Movies
Antichrist (Lars von Trier, 2009)
Disturbing slow-motion sex, mutilation and infanticide in the forest? Um, yeah. I watched this one just days ago while shopping for gifts online.

Black Swan (Darren Aronofsky, 2010)
A sexually repressed ballerina finally gets some... sort of. I'm sorry, dad. You're right -- I shouldn't have watched it so close to Jesus' birthday.

A Walk to Remember (Adam Shankman, 2002)
Mandy Moore gets terminal cancer and then falls in love. As you can imagine, it ended with me, inconsolable, on the bus ride home to Ottawa circa Christmas 2003.

Happy Holidays Everyone!



  1. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who loves A Christmas Story and isn't at least 50 years old.


  2. Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!