Monday, January 3, 2011

Frozen

It's the new year now and I have the day off work. There's no one around. I have nothing I have to get done. I have no one to have coffee with, lunch, drinks. It's the perfect day to return to my manuscript for a final edit before I hand it over to an editor I've hired. Someone who will pick through its bones like my boyfriend did the Christmas turkey. Someone who will tell me if my new book has a chance at life after five years, three complete revisions and dozens of near nervous breakdowns. So, as you can imagine, I'm sitting here at my art deco dining room table far away from my frozen manuscript feeling exactly like I'm about to throw up.

It's scary returning to my story. For the past month, I've been able to read other people's books without daydreaming about my own between pages and losing sleep over my dialogue and my character cutting. Without comparing. Without regret and impulsion and depression. It's been a little piece of bliss for a writer who's missed reading. Just reading for the love of it.

What if, after all the re-work, re-jigging and re-imagining it's still going to be re-jected? &%$#. So I'm scared to walk into my iced-over, shut down office and pick up my pages. I don't want to do it. My book is much better in my head than it will be when I open the cover. Maybe I should leave it there, in the cold wasteland of my office, and be done with it? There's something to be said for a quiet winter death, slipping off to sleep in the cold and getting buried under inches of frost. It's sort of romantic and adventurous -- a better ending for my manuscript than it might get if I let it out.

I'll give myself until noon to decide what to do. If I knut-up, you'll be the first to know.

4 comments:

  1. If it helps at all, I feel that way about almost everything I do... WAY more awesome in my head. Then I go ahead and do whatever it is anyway (mostly with a cringe due to the sub-awesomeness). So knut up! DO IT!

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  2. I knutted up, Matt. I did, I did! I think maybe it was a bad idea to edit while Keeping Up with the Kardashians was on in the background, though. :(

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  3. The eternal struggle between mind and reality. I say make yourself a cup of tea, say goodbye to the kardashians and go on with your edits. Your talent is at waste if you watch too much reality tv!

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  4. I was joking about the Kardashians... mostly. I sit there the whole time thinking "turn around! turn around!" Their butts really are incredibly huge. But yes, I agree Jon, nothing inspires terrible lazy writing more than reality tv.

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